Big Pharma Drive

Unintended consequences brought about by a surge of legislation: The Cheaper Medicines Act that demeans the Generics Law, The Reproductive Health Bill under intense debate in plenary and heavy lobbying by the Church, and the prospective Senate Bill 2012, authored by Sen. Pia Cayetano, which seeks the mandatory vaccination of all infants after birth. This makes Big Pharma lick its chops and anticipate the events with great pleasure. Big Pharma sees a huge opportunity for disease mongering and for marketing the drugs in their inventory, marshalling their prime sales force, compliant doctors who expect the usual rewards. The invasion did not take long in coming.

The first wave was led by a cancer expert declaring that infants need to get anti-hepa B vaccination in a trite 3-step modus sting: scare with dread disease, seek medical help, treat with medication. According to a top honcho of the Philippine Cancer Society (PCS), there is a need to submit infants to anti-hepatitis B vaccination to minimize liver cancer, one of the three preventable types of cancer, that vaccinating infants is better than curing cancer because it is cheaper and it would assuage the burden on the family, and clinching his logic that there is an existing law requiring the vaccination of children but it has not been fully implemented. (Under Republic Act 7846 or the Hepatitis B Immunization Act, it is required for infants and children below eight years old to be vaccinated against the disease.)

The come on, “In government hospitals, it’s free.” Well, not really, since it’s paid for by taxpayer money. But Big Pharma is not squeamish about who pays as long as they get paid. The lament (perhaps because the rewards are puny) the first vaccination would go to waste if a child is not given two booster shots.

But even if the follow-up vaccinations can be acquired for free, PCS learned that many children are not brought back to hospital because of “lack of money for transportation fares.”

He maintained that the government can conduct immunization at the barangay level to reach more children.

Next, Tour of Hope: Biking enthusiasts will go on a tour for a cause from Vigan to Subic from Sept. 13 to Sept. 17 to raise awareness and funds for the prevention and control of cervical cancer in the Philippines. At the launching of “Tour of Hope”, the head of the Philippine General Hospital Cancer Institute gave an overview (read promo) of the cervical cancer situation in the Philippines. The Tour of Hope is co-sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline Philippines

The hype follows a familiar pattern. First the scare of dire disease, then the plug for treatment (or else) and lastly the drug for cure.

…“every eight minutes a Filipina dies of cancer. When a woman dies of cancer, you not only lose a mother, a wife, a sister, but one who may even be a breadwinner of the family. Although detectable through pap smear, the incidence and mortality rate of cervical cancer has remained unchanged for the past 30 years The reason for this, is two-thirds of the time, the woman is diagnosed very late when nothing can be done anymore.“

Finally, the plug for the healing drug (for prevention). Chronic exposure to the HPV leads to the development of cervical cancer. A vaginal examination and Pap Smear every 3 years by an OB-Gyn specialist may detect early stage of the cancer, which makes it curable. Late stages of the disease preclude total cure. A vaccine is now available, especially for children, both girls and boys, to prevent HPV infection and its transmission and spread when they become sexually active.

The Gardasil HPV Vaccine: Not the Shot in the Arm Merck Hoped for
by Judith Siers-Poisson

With the start of the school year, debate has heated up again about Gardasil, Merck's vaccine against human papillomavirus. Since writing my series of four articles on The Politics and PR of Cervical Cancer last year, I have continued to track the developments and have noticed some interesting trends. While Gardasil has not been the financial jackpot that Merck was hoping it would be, there is still a steady push for vaccination and even still for mandates. Even though it has not played out as positively as Merck planned, it is too early to turn our attention away from their efforts to sell their so-called "vaccine against cancer." Merck's obvious corporate steamrolling has generated a public backlash and has also faced general concerns about possible health risks from vaccinations, along with conservative opposition to the idea of government health mandates. These reactions slowed the company's money train but didn't bring it to a full stop.

The Politics and PR of Cervical Cancer: Resources

The Articles

Setting the Stage
Research, Develop, and Sell, Sell, Sell
Women in Government, Merck's Trojan Horse
Profit Knows No Borders, Selling Gardasil to the Rest of the World

Related Articles

Debating Gardasil in Canada

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Despite growing reports of serious and even fatal reactions to the human papillomavirus ( HPV) vaccine, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) announced today that people from other countries who want to become legal permanent...

Gardasil Jab Linked to Pancreatitis - Australian Doctors Demand a Review
Australian doctors are demanding a review of the controversial Gardasil vaccine after three girls developed pancreatitis shortly after being given the HPV jab, according to an ...

http://tinyurl.com/4xdaac

Recently, Safety in surgery drive kicks off http://tinyurl.com/5gxdm9

http://www.philstar.com/index.php?Headlines&p=49&type=2&sec=24&aid=20080913148

The Philippine College of Surgeons (PCS) convened the Philippine Alliance on Patient Safety in Surgery, to instill the culture of safe surgery in all Philippine hospitals, in tune with the World Health Organization’s (WHO) “World Alliance for Patient Safety” which is intended to minimize deaths and complications resulting from operations, to “save lives through safe surgery.” The project begins with the distribution of a one-page checklist to all hospitals, clinics and other healthcare facilities across the country reminding them of what to check before, during and after surgery. The PCS-DOH agreement requires medical facilities to display the checklist in their operating rooms.

Worldwide, it is estimated that of the 230 million major surgeries performed annually, most of them are related to OB-gynecology cases. That’s a lot of babies entering this harsh world by caesarian section. So what is Big Pharma peddling in surgical procedures? Anesthesia? Painkillers? Anti-inflammatory drugs? Anti-histamines and –allergenics? Disinfectants for post-castration of randy clerics?

Palliative Sop

After months of Congressional bickering (a feeble word inadequate to describe the process), the Cheaper Medicines bill was signed into law by the President in a ceremony attended by the solon authors and movers. To call it watered down would be a gross understatement.

"As to diseases, make a habit of two things— to help, or at least do no harm."

--- Hippocrates, The Epidemics ---

Time to grieve, not celebrate. An economic policy of price control, a main feature of the Act, has unforeseen consequences that we may regret. I see this law as a palliative enfeebling the Generics law which truly gives cheaper choices for the really sick. A caring government could have taken the first steps to adopt a fundamental public health policy of Preventive Medicine, starting with food security, or an innovation such as converting those unproductive parking lots of malls into vegetable farms, the produce delivered to customers.

Let us briefly pamper the hypochondriacs. Here are some interesting health articles culled from the Web.

8 Drugs Doctors Would Never Take (If they won't use these medications, why should you?)

With 3,480 pages of fine print, the Physicians' Desk Reference (a.k.a. PDR) is not a quick read. That's because it contains every iota of information on more than 4,000 prescription medications. Heck, the PDR is medication -- a humongous sleeping pill.

This unusual article states the names of medicines that doctors wouldn’t take.. For the hows and whys, read the entire article. Here’s a quick look.

1. Advair (for asthma)

2. Avandia (for diabetes)

3. Celebrex (for arthritis / pain relief)

4. Ketek (antibiotic)

5. Prilosec (for heartburn)

6. Nexium (for heartburn)

7. Visine original (for eyes)

8. Pseudoephedrine (decongestant)

Perhaps there’s something to be said for natural health now.
Ten drugs to avoid whenever possible
It just keeps getting better and better for Big Pharma, continue pumping us with more toxins and just deal with symptoms, thus creating a whole horde of future customers (patients).
posted by Chris Gupta on July 27 2003 updated September 24 2005
1. Prozac.
This wonder drug whose side effects are now being uncovered. Aside from all the known side effects, including insomnia, anxiety, anorexia and weight loss, Prozac has been known to affect nearly every system of the body. Most recently, it’s been linked with sexual dysfunction and also long-term dependence.
2. Piroxicam (Feldene).
Numerous deaths have been linked to this nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug, which causes some 110 known side effects, including stomach and intestinal bleeding or perforation, depression and hair loss.
3. Predisolone
or routine use of steroids for anything other than the short term for life-threatening conditions. Even inhaled or rub-on steroids cause the side effects associated with their oral cousins: thin skinning, growth retardation or osteoporosis, buffalo hump and dementia.
4. Dex fenfluramine.
This dieting magic bullet makes you nine times more likely to develop pulmonary hypertension, and also causes depression, insomnia and nervousness. In lab tests it caused brain damage.
5. Nifedipine
and other calcium-channel blockers. New revelations about this class of drug show they increase the risk of cancer, heart attacks(CARDIAC ARREST), stomach bleeding ( OR INTESTINAL BLEEDING) and suicide. Dangerous for diabetics.
6. Larium.
At least 300 Britons are claiming severe, long-term effects from this supposed malaria preventative, including hallucinations, anxiety attacks, seizures and severe mood swings.
7. Septrin.
This hybrid antibacterial drug, used to treat everything from traveller’s diarrhea to HIV infection, even in children, is extremely toxic. American regulatory agencies warn the drug can cause the potentially fatal skin disease Steven-Johnson syndrome, which also causes death of liver tissue (HEPATOTOXIC DRUG) and lowering of blood cell count. The drug, given for HIVpositive AIDS patients, causes symptoms uncannily like those supposedly associated with advanced AIDS.
8. Sodium valproate.
Also known as valproic acid, this anti-epilepsy drug has a host of side effects, including the capacity to cause potentially fatal liver failure in some patients.
9. Ritalin.
This drug of choice for children diagnosed with Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), the latest name for the hyperactive child, can cause seizures in susceptible children, suppress height and weight, cause nervousness and insomnia, anorexia, nausea, heart palpitations and, involuntary movements. It also can lead to dependence.
10. Minocycline.
This first-line treatment for severe acne has been linked with serious adverse reactions, including liver failure, tooth discolouration, autoimmune hepatitis and lupus (SYSTEMIC LUPUS ERYTHEMATOSUS).
See also: Bad News About Statin Drugs
By Maryann Napoli (June 2003)

Vytorin cholesterol lowering drug as it is linked to cancer. Read more

FDA posts list of drugs with potential safety issues

For a drug to appear on this report, an FDA reviewer will have determined there is a reason to examine a drug more closely based on either the seriousness or number of AERS reports associated with the drug. The drugs for which issues have been identified are under evaluation for the listed potential risk.

8 Medical Terms Your Doctor Uses to Insult You
By Elizabeth Benefiel


Who do you think are the most cynical people in the world? Cops? Executioners? Or maybe prostitutes? Clowns?
We're thinking it's doctors. If you want proof, check out some of the horrifying-yet-hilarious slang they use around the office. Yes, these are real.
#8.
PRATFO
What It Means: Patient Reassured And Told to Fuck Off.
When It's Used:
When a patient comes into the ER more hysterical than ill, the doctor reassures the patient and asks them to leave. However, this acronym has gotten at least one doctor into trouble when he scribbled it in a patient's chart and then later was asked to explain it in court.
We're not saying you should ever lie in court, but in that situation you should at least consider it.
#7.
AMYOYO Syndrome
What It Means: Alright, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own.
When It's Used:
If television is to be believed, any condition, no matter how egregious or how slim the chances of survival, can be surmounted with the intervention of a charismatic, slightly eccentric doctor or the introduction of a particularly salient plot point.
Well, television is not to be believed. If a patient split from crotch to neck, sustained a shotgun wound to the chest, or fell twenty stories onto the pavement, then a great deal's up to a God. Assuming he exists, or cares. Thus we get the AMYOYO Syndrome diagnosis, with the variations SOLOMFYOYO (So long, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own) and GPO (Good for Parts Only).
#6.
Faecal Encephalopathy
What It Means: Shit-for-Brains.
When It's Used:
If you wind up in the emergency room because, say, you were trying to launch bottle rockets out of your anus, you can expect to hear this term thrown around. Latin, or pseudo-latin, is often used to convey unflattering terms and make it sound grandiloquent to the uninformed (or faecal-encephalopathic) ear.
Variations include Cranio-Rectal Syndrome and Cranial Rectosis, presumably for when the patient doesn't have shit for brains but merely has his head up his ass.
#5.
Cut and Paste
What It Means:
Also called an "Open and Close" or a "Peek and Shriek," this is when a surgeon opens up a patient for surgery, discovers nothing can be done to avert the inevitable, and sews them back up immediately. Or, if they feel like it, practice surgical technique for a while.
When It's Used:
Generally, this is encoded as "C&P," "CNP" or something similar, so that the head of the department knows what happened but the to-be-aggrieved family doesn't. Typically this happens with very old people, those with suddenly aggravated chronic health problems, or people with inoperable cancer, soon resulting in a "healthy tumor" (a dead patient).
#4.
SBI
What It Means: Something Bad Inside.
When It's Used:
When the medical staff encounters a strange complaint that doesn't meet any known diagnostic criteria. As much as you don't want to hear SBI as your diagnosis, it's still better than the alternate SVBI (Something Very Bad Inside) which means whatever it is appears to be killing you.
Either may be followed up with a "SWAG" (Scientific Wild-Ass Guess).
#3.
CTF
What It Means:
Cletus the Fetus. Used to describe infants born at 23 weeks or earlier, where their survival rate is less than 1%. There are no confirmed cases of babies surviving at 22 weeks or earlier, which means that children born then are less likely to live than someone who just jumped off the Empire State Building.
When It's Used:
New parents have a tendency to not hear anything that doesn't fit the "Our child will survive because he is special, we are special, and we love him" paradigm. No. Little Cletus will make it no matter what those mean old overpaid white coats tell Mommy and Daddy. Because life works like Lifetime home movies.

It's at this point you should realize that when you're surrounded by the sick and dying every day, no subject is too dark for comedy.
#2.
Slow Code to China
What It Means:
Hospitals use a series of emergency codes (Code Blue, for instance, means the patient is dying and needs immediate resuscitation). Not listed among the official codes is the Slow Code, meaning the patient is dying, and not to worry too much about it.
When It's Used:
Sometimes, a very ill, very elderly, or very hopeless patient wants the doctors to do everything they can to keep them alive. And sometimes, doctors don't want to do that: it's too much work, the patient will die anyway, or the person just isn't worth preserving.
#1.
CBT
What It Means: Chronic Biscuit Toxicity. Patient is really fat.
When It's Used:
Doctors seem to be inventing more and more of these unflattering terms as obesity becomes more chronic in the western world. You may also hear Polydipose Dysfunction, BW (beached whale) and others, all of which are sure to see plenty of usage until some enlightened future when a doctor can just say the phrase "lard ass" to a patient's face.
Here are some other, rather self-explanatory terms you probably don't want to hear in the halls outside your hospital room:
Cunts and Runts - The gynecology/obstetrics department.
BFH - Big Fucking Head. As in, the patient has one.
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts.
COPS - Chronic Old Person's Disease.
Donorcycle - Motorcycle. As in, a frequent source of organ donors.
CTD - Circling The Drain. Just picture the world of the living as a bath tub.
If you enjoy thinking your doctors are horrible people, this site has an enormous list of these terms that pretty much redefine cynicism.

DOCTORS' SLANG, MEDICAL SLANG AND MEDICAL ACRONYMS (a selection)
These have been mostly collected from the UK and USA. Some acronyms have differing meanings in US and UK. The slang/acronyms are directed variously at patients, other medical staff or mystifying medical conditions.
3H enema - Enema that is "high, hot, and a hell of a lot." Reputedly given to patients who give staff a hard time.
3P’s - Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity (relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease)
4F - Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)
Acades vulgaris - medical students.
Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound
Acute Hyponicotaemia - desperate for nicotine fix (cigarette)
Acute Pneumoencephalopathy - airhead
Adminisphere - where hospital managers work, reckoned to be "another planet"
Administrivia - pointless emails and notices that clog up real medical work
Aggressive Euthanasia - A procedure that obnoxious patients would benefit from.
AGMI - Ain't Gonna Make It (won't survive)
Agnostication - Substitute for prognostication; describes the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doctor?”
Albatross - chronically ill patient who will remain with a doctor until one or other of them expire
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
Amyoyo syndrome - Alright motherf*****, you're on your own (seen in head injury patients in Intensive Care)
Angel lust - a male corpse with an erection (not uncommon). Is also sometimes used to mean death that occurred during intercourse.
APD - Acute Prozac Deficiency (depression)
Appy - person with suspected appendicitis
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead)
Ash Cash - money for signing a cremation form
Ass Grapes - badly thrombosed or strangulated hemorrhoids
Assmosis - promotion by "kissing ass"
ATD - (US) Acute Tylenol Deficiency (simple fever or head cold)
ATFO - Asked To F*** Off
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness; known in US as MGM syndrome
Aunt Minnie Lesion - once seen, never forgotten, much like certain aunts at the family wedding
Ax(e) - surgeon
Baby catcher - obstetrician
Banana - patient with jaundice
Bash Cash: the money paid for completing accident (insurance) claim forms in A&E
BBCS - Bumps, Bruises, Cuts and Scrapes (i.e. no serious injuries)
Beached whale - obese patient unable to do much for him/herself except lie there with flailing arms and legs
Benny - patient on benefit (welfare payments)
Betty - a patient with diabetes
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Blade - Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often wrong, but never in doubt
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Blood Suckers - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
BMT - Bowel-Movement Taco (fecal matter trapped in female genitalia)
Bobbing for apples - unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
Bone Break Need Fix - derogatory term for Orthopedics
Boneheads - orthopedics
Bones and Groans - non-specialist general hospital
BoneHo - an off-service resident working in Orthopedics
Boogie or Goober - tumor. A Roasted Goober is a tumor after intensive cobalt treatment; a Healthy Goober is a dead tumor patient.
Bordeaux - bloodstained urine
Bottle return - removing a bottle lodged in the anal canal
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
Brown trout - a stool that won't float (as opposed to an air biscuit, which does)
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
Buff - re-hash the patient's story to make it sound more appropriate for the patient to be referred to another dept (see also turfing and bouncing)
Buff Up - to ready a patient for release
Bug Juice - antibiotics
Bugs in the rug - pubic lice
Bull in the ring - blockage in the large intestine
Bumps and Lumps - junior doctor (intern) cases
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bunnies - Sanitary Towels (sanitary napkins)
Burger - sunburned patient with ruptured blisters
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
Butchers - Obstetrics & Gynecology (also general derogatory term for surgeons)
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarian)
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
Cabbage - heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Cabbage and tomato ward - Ward for comatose patients
Calcified Penisitis Morbidium - male patient whose ailment is due to excessive or unprotected sex
Callbellectomy - minor operation, sadly not permitted, to remove over-used call bell from patient's hand/reach!
Call Button Jockey/Buzzer Junkie - patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason.
Caveman - Derogatory term for Orthopedic surgeons “so easy a caveman could do it”.
cc - Complaint Corner, a patient that complains about everything; BCC is one that behaves nicely to medical staff and complains behind their backs (from business acronyms for carbon copy and blind carbon copy)
CCFCCP - Coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs (dementia or similar)
Celestial discharge - died
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity i.e. obesity
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
CHAOS - Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
Chocolate Hostage - constipated
Cock Doc- urologist
Cockroach Factor - a patient's ability to survive trauma or serious treatment is inversely proportional to his contribution to society (see TTI).
Code Azure - message to other medics to do nothing extraordinary to save a very ill patient who will die shortly no matter what is done
Code Brown - fecal incontinence emergency (e.g. of bedlinen)
Code Pink (Triangle) - a likely homosexual (used back when HIV/Aids tests took a while to come back)
Code Yellow - urinary incontinence emergency
Coffee and a Newspaper - Patient is Constipated (i.e. long time sitting on toilet with drink and reading matter)
Coffin Dodger - survived against expectations, or a very old person
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranial rectosis - US: butthead (US term for idiot); UK: head-up-ass (arrogant/arrogant fool)
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - s**thead or s**t for brains
Creepers - geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Insertion or Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
Crinkly - geriatric
Crispy critter - severe burns case
CROACC - Cannot Rule Out Anything, Correlate Clinically
Crock - Hypochondriac.
CRS - Can’t Remember Sh*t
CRT - Can't Really Treat
Crumble (crumbly) - elderly patient
Crump - (UK) RTA [Road Traffic Accident], (US) crash; trying to die
Crump, Gork or Vedgy - Intensive care patient incapable of movement and apparently unaware of his surroundings.
CTD - Circling the Drain (Close To Death)
CTF - Cletus the Fetus (US). A 23 week, or earlier, births that parents expect to survive against all odds
Cuckoo - alternative term for CCU
C*nts and Runts - Maternity and Pediatrics
Cut and Paste - To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up (or almost immediately - sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while).
CYA - Cover Your Ass; unnecessary procedure/prescription done to avoid being sued
Death Camp - terminal nursing home
Death Star - that ward in every hospital where patients go to die
De-coke and Re-bore - Dilatation and curettage (gyne) op
Deep fry - cobalt therapy (radiation therapy)
Dement - Alzheimer patient
DENTIST - Doesn't Even Need Treatment - It's Sorted, Truly
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
Dermaholiday - nickname for dermatology dept used by staff in busier depts
Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
DIIK - Darned if I know
DILF - Doctor I'd Like to F*** (Fornicate with): Nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Discharged downstairs - transferred to the morgue
Dishwasher - sterilization machine
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs!
Donut of Death - CT scanner
DOTS- dead on the spot (of an accident), also FDOTS (F*cking Dead On The Spot)
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
DPS - (General Practice) Droopy Penis Syndrome: a patient wanting Viagra prescription
DPS - (Hospital) Disappearing Penis Syndrome: the usual reaction of the male organ in response to insertion of catheter or endoscope
Dr Feelgood - a doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs
DUB - Damn Ugly Baby
Duck - portable urinal for bedridden male hospital patients
Dump - patient that nobody seems to want (or to transfer a patient to another hospital); also a verb - arranging for patient to be off-loaded elsewhere
Dys-Synaptogenic - stupid
Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum
ELFs - Evil Little F*ckers (irritating children)
Ego Boost Units - med students/junior doctors that follow a doctor
EMS - Earn Money Sleeping (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Service)
Expensive care - intensive care
Expensive Scare - intensive care
FAC - F*cking Awkward Client
Fecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains who gets first authorship when the case is written up
FFF - see 4F (Fat, Fair, Female, Forty = gall bladder disease)
Fighting Darwin - patients refusing essential treatment through stubborness or stupidity
File 13 - The Trashcan
FINE - F*cked up , insecure, neurotic & emotional
Finger Wave - rectal exam
Flea - (US) internists, (UK) ethnic nurses (used in 1970s during an influx of imported healthcare staff) i.e. "they get everywhere"
FMPS - Fluff My Pillow Syndrome (attention/sympathy seeker), like Call Button Jockey
FODE - Falling On Deaf Ears
FOL, GOL, FOS - Fat Old Lady, Gone off Legs, Full Of S**t. Confused elderly female, unable to exercise at home, now unable to move unaided and badly constipated as a result (see also Toxic Confusional State).
Foreverectomy - A surgical procedure that lasts a very long time
FOS - Full Of Sh*t (either severely constipated or metaphorically)
Freud Squad - psychiatrists
Friday construction - Anatomical equivalent of the cars made on Fridays, when the workers mind was more on the weekend than the job in hand
Fruit Salad - group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves
FTF - Failed to Fly (botched suicide)
FUBIL - F**k You Buddy, I'm Leaving. The act of a doctor at a small hospital dumping a critically ill patient on larger hospital on Friday afternoon before he leaves for the weekend
Full Moon - full or overcrowded waiting room/A&E/ER
FUPA - Fat Upper Pussy Area
FURB - Funny, Unusual, Rectal Blockage (people who use inappropriate objects as butt-plugs)
Garden - neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Gardening - attending to patients in neurological intensive care.
Gassers OR Gas Passers - anaesthetists
Gatekeeper - General practice doctor whose role is to keep costs low by only allowing a certain number of patients to go to specialists
GDA - Gonna die anyway
Genital hurties - genital herpes
Ghost - Derogatory term for med students; they are largely invisible, are absent during difficult situations, silent when asked for volunteers and stealthily evade hard work
GOA - Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)
Goat Rodeo/Goat Rope - Emergency scene which goes badly (resembles a bunch of people riding or wrestling goats)
God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
GOK - God Only Knows
Goldbrick - patient who demands more attention than their (minor) condition warrants.
Golden ass - affluent mother who treats the obstetrics nurses like servants
Gomergram - Ordering all available tests because the person is unable to explain what is wrong with them
Gorillacillin - very powerful antibiotic
GORK - God Only Really Knows
Gork - comatose or brain dead
Gorked - unresponsive and nonverbal, either due to sedation or medical condition
Gorked Out - mental impairment through disease or substance abuse
Go to Meet Joe Black/Consult Joe Black - die
GPH - Goddamns Per Hour
GPO - Good for Parts Only (won't survive)
GRAFOB - Grim Reaper At Foot Of Bed
GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday aka the hospital granny-sitting service
Grapes - hemorrhoids
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning - jumped/fell from height
Gridiron Belly - scarred from multiple ops
GUCCI - Genito-Urinary Clinic, Chlamydial Infection (posh female with sexually transmitted chlamydial infection)
Guessing tubes - stethoscope
Gun and Rifle Club - Trauma ward full of gunshot and stabbing victims
Gutectomy - major gastro-intestinal surgery; also abdominal fat removal (such as liposuction)
Guts and Butts - general surgery
Hallucinoma - a mass seen on a scan or x-ray that wasn't really there
Happy feet - (US) patient having a grand mal epileptic seizure (in UK, Happy feet means smelly feet (feet which "hum" [stink])
Hasselhoff – emergency patient with bizarre explanation for their injury (David Hasselhoff's had a bizarre shaving accident in which he hit his head on a chandelier; the broken glass severed 4 tendons and an artery in his right arm)
Hearts and Farts - unit specialising in geriatrics and cardiology
Heel Elevation Ataxia - a woman who appears staggering drunk, but is sober (or slightly tipsy) and can't walk on seriously high stiletto heels
Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
High Serum Porcelain Level - Patient is a crock of sh*t
High Slug Titre - lazy patient (slug) that won't get out of bed
Hippo - Hypochondriac or depressive
Hit and Run - the act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement (often a non-medical appointment).
HIVI - Husband Is Village Idiot
HOPEFUL - Hard-up Old Person Expecting Full Useful Life (i.e. OAPs are not priority for most hospitals)
Hole-in-One - A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
HOP - house of pain (nursing home)
Hope'n'Scope - exploratory laparoscopy where you hope to find no disease (unless you're the student, in which case you hope to see something interesting)
Horrendoectomy - a long and painful procedures
I fell on it - (also Eiffel Syndrome) universal explanation given by a patient with a foreign object in the rectum
Incarcaphobia - patient is hypochondriac prisoner who prefers hospital to jail cell
Incarceritis - becoming dubiously ill when arrested or in court
Incidentaloma - a usually benign mass (needing removal) found on a scan while looking for something else entirely
Infernal Medicine - Internal Medicine department
Insurance Pain - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Intubate Junior/Intubate Willy - catheterise a man (often results in DPS - Disappearing Penis Syndrome)
Jack Bauer - a doctor still up and working after 24 hours (after character in "24")
Jailitis - becoming dubiously ill while in custody or in a jail cell
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - favourite, but unwritten, source of medical wisdom
J P FROG - Just Plain F***ing Ran Out Of Gas (old age etc)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)
Knife-happy - an overly enthusiastic surgeon
Lancelot - a medic who drains abscesses (called Pokemon in the USA)

Lantern Test - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
Last Flea To Jump Off A Dead Dog - Oncologists (sometimes other disciplines) who seem unable to let people die with dignity
Laying Crepe - dismal prognosis (i.e. prepare the coffin)
Leeches - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
Load the Boat - call in senior medical staff as ass-covering exercise
Lobster - sunburned patient
LRO - Luck Ran Out (cheated death before, but not this time)
LWS - (US) Low Wallet Syndrome (No medical insurance or money)
M & Ms - mortality and morbidity conferences where medics discuss epidemics, mistakes and patient deaths
MARPs - Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals
MGM syndrome - Faker putting on a real good show
Michelin's Disease/Disorder - multiple spare tires (obese)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
MILF - Mother I'd Like to F**k. US version of GoodLookingMother who is also PHAT
Mini me - Trainee or medical student who copies their senior colleague too much but doesn’t say a lot (from Austin Powers films)
MTF - Metabolize to Freedom (i.e., let the person sober up, and then they can leave)
MUH - Messed up heart
MU Pain - Made Up pain (especially for sick notes and insurance claims)
Mushroom syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them
NAD - Not actually done
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
Nebulopathy- strange clinical signs with no "normal" disease apparent
Necrophiles - derogatory term for Pathologists (they love the dead)
Nectar of the Gods - coffee; without which many hospital services would shut down
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds
Neuro-faecal Syndrome - s**t for brains
NFR - Not For Resuscitation; used on elderly patients’ charts where the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) instruction is without the knowledge of the patient themselves or their family
NGMI - Not Going to Make It
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No longer playing records (dying)
NOCTOR- Nurse that has done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
No Hopeamine - Dopamine
OB/GYN - actually means Obstetric/Gynecology, rumored to mean "Oh Boy-Got You Naked"
OBE - Open Both Ends (known in UK as DNV - Diarrhea and Vomiting)
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realize it's "placebo" in reverse)
OBS - Obvious bullsh*t
Obs and gobs - obstetrics and gynaecology
OFIG - One Foot In the Grave
OFIGATOOS - One Foot In the Grave And The Other One Slipping
Old Man's Friend - (US) pneumonia, an illness which often carried off the elderly
Oligoneuronal - "few brain cells" i.e. thick (not very bright) (Note: In the UK, "dumb" means "mute")
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
Optorectomy- operation to disconnect the eyeball from the anus, due to such a sh*tty outlook on life
Organ recital - a hypochondriac’s medical history
Osteocephaly - boneheaded
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away
Overpriced Carpenter - orthopedic doctor
Paint - Betadine (medication)
Paninvestigram - order all the tests; for when you haven't got a clue what's going on
Paperweight - (NZ) very small patient with severe congenital mental retardation
Papoterapia - (Brazil) to give the patient a pep talk, chitchat therapy ("papo" = chitchat).
Parentectomy - removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems
PBTB - "pine box to bedside"; indicates an imminent demise
PBS - Pretty bad shape
PBOO - Pine Box On Order
PD - Pencil D**k. General US insult. It gets applied to lazy doctors who pass work on to their peers and should not be confused for that other PD, Program Director (US terminology)
Pecker Checker - either a urologist or a sexual diseases doctor (also the ship's doctor in Naval slang)
Peek and Shriek - open a patient surgically, discover an incurable condition, and close the incision immediately
Pee Pee Docs - urology
Penal Colony - renal ward/dept, especially when a superbug is on the loose
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pest control - term applied to psychiatrists by casualty officers
Pharmaceutically Enhanced Personality - stoned or medicated
PHAT - Pretty Hot and Tempting (warning to others)
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PIA - Pain in the ass
PIAF - PIssed as a fart (also PAAF -Pissed As A Fart)
PITA - Pain in the ass
Plank Positive - stupid, as in "thick as 2 short planks"
Porcelain Level - fictitious blood test ordered to communicate to colleague that the patient is malingering (crock of sh*t)
PORG - Person Of Restricted/Retarded Growth (dwarf/midget)
Pox Docs - clap clinic (sexually transmitted disease clinic) doctors
Quackpractor - chiropractor
Qwertyitis - what a doctor suffers from when he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients
Rear Admiral - proctologist
Red dot - physicians from India, relates to red dot on their forehead
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Ringo – (after Beatles drummer Ringo Starr) an expendable team member
Rocket Room - a ward/unit where there are many deaths (many transfers to heaven)
Rocking horse stool - even rarer than hen's teeth
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance
Saddles - Maternity sanitary towels (napkins), so called for their size and the bow-legged effect of wearing them
Scratch and sniff - gynecological examination
Sellout - Derogatory term for plastic surgeon in private practice
SEP - Somebody else's problem (not to be confused with sepsis)
SFS - Stinky Foot Syndrome (often related to homeless)
Shotgunning - Ordering of a vast array of tests in the hopes that one or other of them will give an idea of what is wrong with a patient
Sieve - a doctor who admits almost every patient he sees
Slashers - general surgeons
Slow Code (to China) - elderly very ill patient who wants everything done so they will not die. Everyone on the medical team disagrees
Smellybridge - area between the anus and the back of the scrotum (perineum)
Speed bumps - hemorrhoids
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TMI - Three Meaningless Initials (e.g. John Smith, TMI - applied to medics with qualifications rather than ability)
Trigger Happy - a medic that gives a shot [injection] for everything or patient that used call button excessively.
TRO - Time ran out
TWA - third world assassins. Slang for the allegedly poor medical care delivered by physicians who went to medical school in foreign countries
Twitch - hypochondriac
VAC - Vultures are Circling (dying)
Vegetable garden - Coma ward
Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere
Weed Puller - Obstetrician
White Mice - tampons
Wig picker - therapist or psychologist
Witch doctor - specialist in internal medicine
WNL - Will Not Listen; patient won't take medical advice
WoGS - Wrath of God Syndrome (visited upon junior medics by more senior staff)
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time

WHY SLANG?
In hospitals, morbid humor, irreverence and euphemism is a way of coping with daily exposure to injury, disease and death. As euphemisms go, "Eternal Care Unit" (died) is little different from the myriad other euphemism for death. Nowadays, such slang is considered unethical and its use is decreasing in hospitals and surgeries because of the dangers of being sued by patients. However it is being preserved in the medical labs and staff tea rooms where patients do not go!

Consumers Act

Consumerism (Hark, Madame President)

Parents helping their children with homework undergo a second learning process when they realize that the subjects they learned in school have changed due to technological advances and scientific discoveries. One of the subjects that adults have difficulty in making kids comprehend is economics. The problem lies in the emphasis of textbooks and tutors on the bundle of terms that often are not related to the real world.

It is not uncommon for people to interpret the “law of supply and demand” as some regulation the city council passed in one of their productive moments. Many adults consider economics confusingly complex and are repelled by all the economic jargon and statistics. As a result, mistaken notions are developed about how our society works. And these notions are sometimes harmful to their pocketbooks.

In our free-market economy, the consumer is one of its major movers. Businesses depend on the consumer to sustain their life. Consumer purchases amount to almost two thirds of all the money spent yearly, while government and business spend the other third. The problem is the consumers needs are almost endless but their incomes are not. So, most people choose their purchases to fit their income.

The Mammoth Consumer

We have about 65 million consumers ─ the country’s entire population, Even the breast-feeding newborn is an indirect consumer as it partakes of the nutrients bought and ingested by its mother. With such awesome numbers you would think that consumers would be such an intimidating influence in controlling the prices of the goods they buy. We all know differently.

Filipino consumers have a quality of remarkable docility and meekness. They are slow to anger not because of an abundance of patience, but because of timidity. This enormous segment of our society is impotent for lack of unity. Only a very few have banded into pitifully frail organizations.

Yet, Filipinos have a penchant for organization. Politicians have a governors league, vice-governors league; bureaucrats bunched into associations of directors, of auditors, of judges, and there are countless clubs in the private sector: community social groups, industry and trade cartels, the imports such as Rotary and Lions, the professionals (doctors, dentists, CPAs, engineers,) elite golf clubs and numerous labor unions. With such bent, it might not be surprising to find a hairstylist union and gay club.

Unlike the assertive labor unions, consumer blocs are mere fellowship clubs, rarely heard. When they do break silence it is usually a whimper or a whine about soaring prices, and a hope for government or divine intervention. Hope! the last recourse of the desperate; the last curse left in mythical Pandora’s box afflicting only humans. For hope is a disease that thrives in the indolent like our own fabled Juan Tamad lazing under a fruit tree with mouth open, hoping for a fruit to drop in. (Hopefully is now a trite word in “Filipino”) An unbelievably huge number of our population believe in the supernatural philosophy of pray and hope or leave things to the Almighty.

Exaggeration? Read on.

A few years back, housewives in a nationwide survey were asked what they thought were the best ways to improve the country’s pressing problems of unemployment, high cost of living and graft and corruption. Topping the list in their response was prayer, garnishing 81%. Asked further what method they will actively support, 90% of respondents selected prayer!

Yes, consumers did wail to high heavens then. They still do and are still unaware that this defeatist attitude is unhealthy to their purse and well-being. As was learned the hard way in industrialized Europe and America, consumers must fight for their rights. The first step is to unite and band into purposeful and dynamic organization. Such a giant can shoulder our creeping economy into movement using a potent force: purse power, with consumerism as its main component.

The Masterly Consumer

Consumerism is a protest against abuses in the market system and a demand that marketers give greater attention to consumer wants and desires in making their decisions. Some businesses view consumerism as posing more harm than good to society. But consumerism and the market system need not be adversarial. Undeniably, consumerism will require changes in some aspects of business life, forcing some businesses to be more responsible to their consumers. However, the more responsive view consumerism as an opportunity rather than a threat and are prepared to accept the challenge of consumer contentions, such as:
            æ Marketing system is inefficient and the cost high
            æ Marketers practice collusion and price fixing

            æ Marketing system produces hazards to health and safety
            æ Product quality and service are poor
            æ Consumers do not get information

Government has a long history of giving protection to businesses in the form of tariffs and quantitative restrictions on imports to protect infant industries, price supports to farm produce, and indirect subsidies such as tax exemptions. Almost all of these protectionist actswere at the expense of consumers who had to pay higher prices for the protected products. Only in the recent past has the consumer been recognized as an important cog in our economic machinery, with the passage of two Congressional Acts: the Price Act of 1992 and the Consumers Act of 1992 (Republic Act No. 7394).

The Price Law provided for price controls but was limited to times of emergency. The Consumer Act gave consumers wider recognition by acknowledging eight Consumer Rights:
            Right to Basic Goods, Services, and Fair Prices
            Right of Choice
            Right to Consumer Education
            Right to Redress
            Right to Representation
            Right to Safety

            Right to Information
            Right to a Healthy Environment

Even with this legislated armory, the consumer should keep in mind the admonition: They have rights who dare defend them! You can bet that these rights will be tested by some cunning merchants. Consumers who fail the tests pay the price. Literally.

Cagayan de Oro has high hopes (this word again) of attaining megacity status, a goal boosted by Pres. Ramos’ endorsement of the Cagayan-Iligan Industrial Corridor. The local economy will certainly be stimulated by the industrialization process, but will also dig pitfalls for the unwary consumer. When money, technocrats and entrepreneurs start flowing in, the market system will be put under severe stress with the inflation specter hovering nearby.

Agony before Ecstasy

Before tackling the problems in a booming CIC, Cagayan de Oro consumers must first face the current obstacles. Foremost is the value added tax (VAT). With the Supreme court ruling that the VAT law is valid, consumers are again faced with the possibility of galloping prices. Although the Department of Trade and Industry and the Department of Agriculture warned traders against unlawful price hikes, past experience tells us that the bureaucrats have been outwitted by avaricious merchants. The only effective force to protect the consumers is concerted action by consumers!

Consumer composure will be shaken next by two events: the ratification by the Senate of the General Agreement of Tariff and Trade (GATT) and the certainty of a fuel hike.  Membership to the World Trade Organization (WTO) will be the result of the ratification of GATT by the Senate. GATT requires member nations to open their markets and remove trade barriers. Government says ratification is imperative for the nation’s survival in the global trade competition. Economists agree and warn of doomsday for our economy if the Senate fails to ratify GATT. However, the protected industries oppose it, waving the flag of patriotism and predicting massive loss of jobs from industries killed by foreign competition.

Where does this leave the consumer in the controversy? Exposed again to the mercy of opportunists taking advantage of the situation by creating artificial shortages to induce prices to rise.

The other instrument that will punch a hole in consumer pockets is the likelihood of a fuel price increase. The Oil Price Stabilization Fund (OPSF) will be exhausted in 5-8 months depending on crude prices and the foreign exchange rate of the peso. If crude prices are steady at $17 per barrel and the peso-dollar exchange holds at 26:$1 then the OPSF will last until March 1995. If crude prices rise to $18 per barrel and the peso weakens to 27 per dollar, then the OPSF will be depleted by January 1995. Upon OPSF depletion in early 1995 the Energy Regulatory Board will have to order the increase in petroleum product prices to avoid a fuel shortage crisis. And soon thereafter, commodity prices start soaring.

End of bad news for consumers? Maybe not, if exporters succeed in strong arming the monetary authorities to devalue the peso to their demand of 32 per dollar. And the agony of consumers is just starting! The May 1995 elections will release a flood of money from political spigots, and rising prices will agitate organized labor to demand, and probably get, a legislated wage increase. The money deluge will trigger inflation, so the price spiral rages on.

And all this while VAT is lurking, ready to pounce and complete the dismay of the consumer.

People dislike hearing bad tidings and Cassandra prophesies, consumers included. But they can benefit from a management forecasting technique. The “what if” concept makes plans and lists actions for contingencies.

The Consummate Consumer

Advertising is a powerful marketing tool for luring consumers to buy a product or service. Consumers love the flattery, widening of choices, and slashed prices in sales promotions. The most effective advertising media are newspapers, radio and television, the links between sellers and buyers. But the flow is one way only ─ from seller to buyer. Lately, innovative broadcast media initiated a method of interactive dialogue to obtain audience response.Marketers know that larger audience response means greater customer interest and consequently intensify media advertising, so all players benefit.

Consumers can adopt this business tool as a means of expressing to the market their wants and desires. Listed below are messages which can be expanded by contributing members of a consumer group:

* Caveat Emptor (buyer beware) ─ advisory to members about abuses in the marketplace to include shops with illegal “no exchange/no return” policy, cheater shops, defective products, hazards to health and safety, missing price tags, mislabeling, short-changing or rude sales clerks, under weighing scales, deceptive ads.

* Best-Buy advisory ─ bargain sales, promo sales, unit pricing

* Product Fair ─ urging producers to conduct product demos at retail level

* Commodity Prices advisory at Wet Markets

* Joint Consumer-Govt. Price Watch

*  Media Support ─ Consumer affairs program expands audience base for participating media to entice ads

* Corruption Watch ─ Bribes and tong paid by traders to corrupt officials adds to the cost of doing business and raises the selling price of goods

The big question is: Can Kagayanons rise to the occasion or just remain timorous???

Consumerism ─ It’s Not Just a Fad            

            Max A. Denney, Industrial Banker

As President Nixon said to Congress last December, “Consumerism is here to stay.” A.W. Clausen, vice chairman of the Bank of America, recently proposed a four-point program which we would all do well to heed:

!) Businessmen must listen attentively to what the consumer is saying;

2) We must seek solutions to consumer unrest before government restrictions are imposed;

3) We must deal with these consumer problems head on;

4) We must make sure that Congress and consumer spokesmen are aware that business is truly concerned and is to improve its relationship with the consumer.

Mr. Clausen suggests that for too long businesses have buried their heads in the sand, condoning the misdeeds of a few, and, as a result, have made all business vulnerable to the onslaught of anti-business sentiment.

æ                     æ                     æ                     æ                     æ                     æ

A successful business investment consultant, wise in the behavior of markets advised his clients: Stop buying products that more and more people are buying. The excessive demand will drive the price up.

Losses of franchised utilities such as water and electricity

                        A Customer Speaks

                        By O. Delmendo Garcia

Caveat venditor ─ Let the seller beware

The customer is always right. The key word is always, unfailing, everytime. Often or usually is not good enough. This surely is a heavy imposition on the salesperson who is as sentient a being as the customer.

But the store manager believes in the adage like an Eleventh Commandment, and woe to the employee that breaks the dictum. It worked for years, so this imperious decree has persisted to this era of democratic freedoms.

Most retail outlets get trained or instructed to keep their composure even when provoked, taunted, or placed in an unpleasant situation. Yet, occasionally, latent bad breeding triumphs over training, and insolence manages to slip out. This spells trouble all around, mostly for the seller.

The policy of pampering customers stems from the marketing concept of repeat business. The goodwill nurtured by the store is a magnet that persuades the customer to return, sometimes with  friends.

Surveys indicate that 96 percent of dissatisfied customers never complain about discourteous service, but 9 out of 10 of these customers never buy again from the company that offended them. Moreover, most dissatisfied customers will relate their experience to several other people. 

Published Mindanao Post  14 Sep 1994

 

Laugh Your Way to Health

Laughing at One’s Self

In the INTRO posting to this blog I mentioned some ways to stave off memory loss in an aging brain, mainly mental gymnastics and mind bogglers. A specific remedy is banishing stress by means of humor, the essence of “Laughter is the best medicine.” This piece follows this vein, using humorous quotes and jokes.



Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. - Cullen Hightower

Numerous studies have validated the medical benefits of laughing. On the other hand, someone who has had the misfortune of not having personally experienced or witnessed the rude behavior of laughing at another person would not know the potential harm and consequences of the act. One can lose a friend this way, or one’s life with a stranger.





When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. - Thomas Szasz



Overheard at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration: “If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn’t we be regulating it?” Our Pinoy BFAD admitted they don’t have sufficient manpower to enforce regulations, so Pinoys are still free to laugh.



A. A. A. D. D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).

This is how it manifests: (Forwarded by email)



I decide to water my lawn.



As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.



As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.



I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.



I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.



So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.



But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.



I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.



My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.



I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.



As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.



I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.



I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.



I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.



I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.



So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.



Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.



At the end of the day:



the lawn isn't watered,

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, I don't remember what I did with the car keys, and my neighbor called to tell me he turned off the hose that was flooding the driveway.



Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.



Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to someone you know, because I may not remember to whom it has been sent.



Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!





GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!



Hard of hearing

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.



One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"



"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."



And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."





Automotive horror

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"





Campaign speech A man making a campaign speech said, “My candidate is as honest a man as money can buy.” The sudden laughter made him realize his slip so in an attempt to recover he said, “I mean he never stole a centavo in his life ─ and all he asks is a chance.”



Insult The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can’t ignore it, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh at it; if you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved. — Russell Lynes



In my sentences I go where no man has gone before...I am a boon to the English language.

-- George W. Bush





When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Emo Philips



In this country steeped in a culture of prayer, its bureaucracy works in this exact manner. God helps those who help themselves.



Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. -- Leslie Nielsen



I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

-- Anonymous



The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

-- Groucho Marx



History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. -- Napoleon Bonaparte



What luck for the rulers that men do not think. -- Adolf Hitler



A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. -- Texas Guinan



In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity. -- Konrad Adenauer



The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. -- Brian Pickrell



There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

-- Frank Zappa



The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits -- Albert Einstein



Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson



In a contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream

up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:



Billclintium Bc

With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element

undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.



Budweisium Ps

Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.



Cabmium Cb

Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states,

in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no

matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it.

The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the

formula for calculating it.



Canadium Eh

Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid.

Often called Boron.



Innofensium Pc

Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons,

leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells

like a rose.



Limbaughium Lb

The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding

mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly

polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels

protons and electrons; attracts only morons.



Newtium

Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not

possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.



Quaylium Vp

Einsteinium it ain't.



Politicium Po

Contains a great deal of brass. Similar to radon in that it can

reach lethal concentrations in the House.



Congress Cg

Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.



Snot Sn

Bonds forever with corduroy.



Kryptonite S

Kills Superman. That's it. That's all it does.

Annual Neologism Contest

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Political brains

Our brain is made up of two parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that: The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it, and The RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it!

Sign Language:

Be Very Careful with the Sign of the V

If you make a V with your middle and index fingers, in most parts of the world people understand the fact that you're making a peace or victory sign. But you have to be careful which way your palm faces when you're in England and Australia. There, if you make a V and face the back of your hand outward, it's shorthand for "up yours."

Thumbs up

In the United States, it can mean "everything is all right," or, "I need a ride."

But this meaning is by no means universal.

In Nigeria, tourists have been beaten up for trying to hitchhike with the aid of their thumbs. In Australia, it once again means "up yours," something that makes one wonder if the Australians have as many ways of saying "up yours" as Native Alaskans do for snow.





Laughter Provides Many Health Benefits

Do you know that laughing increases circulation and improves the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to body tissue, that humor lowers blood pressure and aids the immune system in doing its job and also wards off      respiratory problems? Think of it as an aerobic workout for your lungs. Laughter reduces stress hormones, helps control pain by increasing endorphines and by allowing a person to set aside aches and pains, allowing the body to relax.

Following is a summary of how humor contributes to maintaining good health.

Reduction of Stress Hormones - Laughing is a powerful tool that can lower stress and dissolve anger. Mood is elevated by striving to find humor in difficult and frustrating situations. Humor is not so much about a funny joke, but about how we view the world. Laughing at ourselves and the situation helps reveal that small things are not the earth-shaking events they sometimes seem to be. Looking at a problem from a different perspective can make it seem less formidable and provide opportunities for greater objectivity and insight. Plus, the good feeling that we get when we laugh can remain with us as an internal experience even after the laughter subsides. Laughter reduces at least four of neuroendocrine hormones associated with stress response. These are epinephrine, cortisol, dopac, and growth hormone.

Wards off Depression - Research shows that people suffering from depression are more prone to many illnesses like high blood pressure, heart attacks and cancer. Depression also affects the immune system adversely.

Respiration - Laughter empties your lungs of more air than it takes in resulting in a cleansing effect - similar to deep breathing. This is especially helpful for peope who are suffering from respiratory ailments.

Muscle Relaxation - Laughing results in muscle relaxation. While you laugh, the muscles that do not participate in the belly laugh, relaxes. After you finish laughing those muscles involved in the laughter start to relax. So, the action takes place in two stages.

Immune System Enhancement - Studies have shown that humor strengthens the immune system.

Pain Reduction - Humor allows a person to "forget" about pains such as aches and arthritis.

Cardiac Protection - Laughter protects the heart. Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack. A belly laugh is equivalent to "an internal jogging." Laughter can provide good cardiac conditioning especially for those who are unable to perform physical exercises.

Blood Pressure - Laughter lowers blood pressure. People who often laugh heartily have lower blood pressure than the average person. When people have a good laugh, initially the blood pressure increases, then decreases to levels below normal. Breathing then becomes deeper which sends oxygen-enriched blood and nutrients throughout the body.



Humor therapy or therapeutic humor uses the power of smiles and laughter to aid healing by helping to find ways to make yourself or others smile and laugh more.

Scientists have been researching (a field called psychoneuroimmunology) the relation between the mind and the body, especially in connection with the body's ability to heal. Laughter appears to change brain chemistry and may boost the immune system. Humor may allow a person to feel in control of a situation and make it seem more manageable. It allows people to release fears, anger, and stress, all of which can harm the body over time. Humor improves the quality of life.

Humor therapy, can be used to prevent or treat disease, particularly in long-term (chronic) diseases, especially those that are made worse by stress (such as heart disease and asthma). Chronic diseases have a negative effect on mood and attitude, which can make the disease worse. Humor therapy helps reduce the negative effects of feeling unhealthy, out of control, afraid, or helpless, which are common problems for those with cancer or chronic diseases.

Humor therapy is also valuable as a preventive measure for the caregivers of people with chronic diseases. Caregivers are at high risk of becoming sick themselves, and humor therapy can help release the stress that comes with being a caregiver. Caregivers and those they care for can practice humor therapy together, and they both are likely to have better health as a result.