"As to diseases, make a habit of two things— to help, or at least do no harm."
--- Hippocrates, The Epidemics ---
Let us briefly pamper the hypochondriacs. Here are some interesting health articles culled from the Web.
8 Drugs Doctors Would Never Take (If they won't use these medications, why should you?)
With 3,480 pages of fine print, the Physicians' Desk Reference (a.k.a. PDR) is not a quick read. That's because it contains every iota of information on more than 4,000 prescription medications. Heck, the PDR is medication -- a humongous sleeping pill.
This unusual article states the names of medicines that doctors wouldn’t take.. For the hows and whys, read the entire article. Here’s a quick look.
1. Advair (for asthma)
2. Avandia (for diabetes)
3. Celebrex (for arthritis / pain relief)
8. Pseudoephedrine (decongestant)
Perhaps there’s something to be said for natural health now.
Ten drugs to avoid whenever possible
It just keeps getting better and better for Big Pharma, continue pumping us with more toxins and just deal with symptoms, thus creating a whole horde of future customers (patients).
posted by Chris Gupta on July 27 2003 updated September 24 2005
This wonder drug whose side effects are now being uncovered. Aside from all the known side effects, including insomnia, anxiety, anorexia and weight loss, Prozac has been known to affect nearly every system of the body. Most recently, it’s been linked with sexual dysfunction and also long-term dependence.
2. Piroxicam (Feldene).
Numerous deaths have been linked to this nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug, which causes some 110 known side effects, including stomach and intestinal bleeding or perforation, depression and hair loss.
or routine use of steroids for anything other than the short term for life-threatening conditions. Even inhaled or rub-on steroids cause the side effects associated with their oral cousins: thin skinning, growth retardation or osteoporosis, buffalo hump and dementia.
4. Dex fenfluramine.
This dieting magic bullet makes you nine times more likely to develop pulmonary hypertension, and also causes depression, insomnia and nervousness. In lab tests it caused brain damage.
and other calcium-channel blockers. New revelations about this class of drug show they increase the risk of cancer, heart attacks(CARDIAC ARREST), stomach bleeding ( OR INTESTINAL BLEEDING) and suicide. Dangerous for diabetics.
At least 300 Britons are claiming severe, long-term effects from this supposed malaria preventative, including hallucinations, anxiety attacks, seizures and severe mood swings.
This hybrid antibacterial drug, used to treat everything from traveller’s diarrhea to HIV infection, even in children, is extremely toxic. American regulatory agencies warn the drug can cause the potentially fatal skin disease Steven-Johnson syndrome, which also causes death of liver tissue (HEPATOTOXIC DRUG) and lowering of blood cell count. The drug, given for HIVpositive AIDS patients, causes symptoms uncannily like those supposedly associated with advanced AIDS.
8. Sodium valproate.
Also known as valproic acid, this anti-epilepsy drug has a host of side effects, including the capacity to cause potentially fatal liver failure in some patients.
This drug of choice for children diagnosed with Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), the latest name for the hyperactive child, can cause seizures in susceptible children, suppress height and weight, cause nervousness and insomnia, anorexia, nausea, heart palpitations and, involuntary movements. It also can lead to dependence.
This first-line treatment for severe acne has been linked with serious adverse reactions, including liver failure, tooth discolouration, autoimmune hepatitis and lupus (SYSTEMIC LUPUS ERYTHEMATOSUS).
See also: Bad News About Statin Drugs
By Maryann Napoli (June 2003)
Vytorin cholesterol lowering drug as it is linked to cancer. Read more
FDA posts list of drugs with potential safety issues
For a drug to appear on this report, an FDA reviewer will have determined there is a reason to examine a drug more closely based on either the seriousness or number of AERS reports associated with the drug. The drugs for which issues have been identified are under evaluation for the listed potential risk.
8 Medical Terms Your Doctor Uses to Insult You
By Elizabeth Benefiel
Who do you think are the most cynical people in the world? Cops? Executioners? Or maybe prostitutes? Clowns?
We're thinking it's doctors. If you want proof, check out some of the horrifying-yet-hilarious slang they use around the office. Yes, these are real.
What It Means: Patient Reassured And Told to Fuck Off.
When It's Used:
When a patient comes into the ER more hysterical than ill, the doctor reassures the patient and asks them to leave. However, this acronym has gotten at least one doctor into trouble when he scribbled it in a patient's chart and then later was asked to explain it in court.
We're not saying you should ever lie in court, but in that situation you should at least consider it.
What It Means: Alright, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own.
When It's Used:
If television is to be believed, any condition, no matter how egregious or how slim the chances of survival, can be surmounted with the intervention of a charismatic, slightly eccentric doctor or the introduction of a particularly salient plot point.
Well, television is not to be believed. If a patient split from crotch to neck, sustained a shotgun wound to the chest, or fell twenty stories onto the pavement, then a great deal's up to a God. Assuming he exists, or cares. Thus we get the AMYOYO Syndrome diagnosis, with the variations SOLOMFYOYO (So long, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own) and GPO (Good for Parts Only).
What It Means: Shit-for-Brains.
When It's Used:
If you wind up in the emergency room because, say, you were trying to launch bottle rockets out of your anus, you can expect to hear this term thrown around. Latin, or pseudo-latin, is often used to convey unflattering terms and make it sound grandiloquent to the uninformed (or faecal-encephalopathic) ear.
Variations include Cranio-Rectal Syndrome and Cranial Rectosis, presumably for when the patient doesn't have shit for brains but merely has his head up his ass.
Cut and Paste
What It Means:
Also called an "Open and Close" or a "Peek and Shriek," this is when a surgeon opens up a patient for surgery, discovers nothing can be done to avert the inevitable, and sews them back up immediately. Or, if they feel like it, practice surgical technique for a while.
When It's Used:
Generally, this is encoded as "C&P," "CNP" or something similar, so that the head of the department knows what happened but the to-be-aggrieved family doesn't. Typically this happens with very old people, those with suddenly aggravated chronic health problems, or people with inoperable cancer, soon resulting in a "healthy tumor" (a dead patient).
What It Means: Something Bad Inside.
When It's Used:
When the medical staff encounters a strange complaint that doesn't meet any known diagnostic criteria. As much as you don't want to hear SBI as your diagnosis, it's still better than the alternate SVBI (Something Very Bad Inside) which means whatever it is appears to be killing you.
Either may be followed up with a "SWAG" (Scientific Wild-Ass Guess).
What It Means:
Cletus the Fetus. Used to describe infants born at 23 weeks or earlier, where their survival rate is less than 1%. There are no confirmed cases of babies surviving at 22 weeks or earlier, which means that children born then are less likely to live than someone who just jumped off the Empire State Building.
When It's Used:
New parents have a tendency to not hear anything that doesn't fit the "Our child will survive because he is special, we are special, and we love him" paradigm. No. Little Cletus will make it no matter what those mean old overpaid white coats tell Mommy and Daddy. Because life works like Lifetime home movies.
It's at this point you should realize that when you're surrounded by the sick and dying every day, no subject is too dark for comedy.
Slow Code to China
What It Means:
Hospitals use a series of emergency codes (Code Blue, for instance, means the patient is dying and needs immediate resuscitation). Not listed among the official codes is the Slow Code, meaning the patient is dying, and not to worry too much about it.
When It's Used:
Sometimes, a very ill, very elderly, or very hopeless patient wants the doctors to do everything they can to keep them alive. And sometimes, doctors don't want to do that: it's too much work, the patient will die anyway, or the person just isn't worth preserving.
What It Means: Chronic Biscuit Toxicity. Patient is really fat.
When It's Used:
Doctors seem to be inventing more and more of these unflattering terms as obesity becomes more chronic in the western world. You may also hear Polydipose Dysfunction, BW (beached whale) and others, all of which are sure to see plenty of usage until some enlightened future when a doctor can just say the phrase "lard ass" to a patient's face.
Here are some other, rather self-explanatory terms you probably don't want to hear in the halls outside your hospital room:
Cunts and Runts - The gynecology/obstetrics department.
BFH - Big Fucking Head. As in, the patient has one.
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts.
COPS - Chronic Old Person's Disease.
Donorcycle - Motorcycle. As in, a frequent source of organ donors.
CTD - Circling The Drain. Just picture the world of the living as a bath tub.
If you enjoy thinking your doctors are horrible people, this site has an enormous list of these terms that pretty much redefine cynicism.
DOCTORS' SLANG, MEDICAL SLANG AND MEDICAL ACRONYMS (a selection)
These have been mostly collected from the UK and USA. Some acronyms have differing meanings in US and UK. The slang/acronyms are directed variously at patients, other medical staff or mystifying medical conditions.
3H enema - Enema that is "high, hot, and a hell of a lot." Reputedly given to patients who give staff a hard time.
3P’s - Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity (relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease)
4F - Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)
Acades vulgaris - medical students.
Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound
Acute Hyponicotaemia - desperate for nicotine fix (cigarette)
Acute Pneumoencephalopathy - airhead
Adminisphere - where hospital managers work, reckoned to be "another planet"
Administrivia - pointless emails and notices that clog up real medical work
Aggressive Euthanasia - A procedure that obnoxious patients would benefit from.
AGMI - Ain't Gonna Make It (won't survive)
Agnostication - Substitute for prognostication; describes the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doctor?”
Albatross - chronically ill patient who will remain with a doctor until one or other of them expire
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
Amyoyo syndrome - Alright motherf*****, you're on your own (seen in head injury patients in Intensive Care)
Angel lust - a male corpse with an erection (not uncommon). Is also sometimes used to mean death that occurred during intercourse.
APD - Acute Prozac Deficiency (depression)
Appy - person with suspected appendicitis
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead)
Ash Cash - money for signing a cremation form
Ass Grapes - badly thrombosed or strangulated hemorrhoids
Assmosis - promotion by "kissing ass"
ATD - (US) Acute Tylenol Deficiency (simple fever or head cold)
ATFO - Asked To F*** Off
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness; known in US as MGM syndrome
Aunt Minnie Lesion - once seen, never forgotten, much like certain aunts at the family wedding
Ax(e) - surgeon
Baby catcher - obstetrician
Banana - patient with jaundice
Bash Cash: the money paid for completing accident (insurance) claim forms in A&E
BBCS - Bumps, Bruises, Cuts and Scrapes (i.e. no serious injuries)
Beached whale - obese patient unable to do much for him/herself except lie there with flailing arms and legs
Benny - patient on benefit (welfare payments)
Betty - a patient with diabetes
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Blade - Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often wrong, but never in doubt
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Blood Suckers - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
BMT - Bowel-Movement Taco (fecal matter trapped in female genitalia)
Bobbing for apples - unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
Bone Break Need Fix - derogatory term for Orthopedics
Boneheads - orthopedics
Bones and Groans - non-specialist general hospital
BoneHo - an off-service resident working in Orthopedics
Boogie or Goober - tumor. A Roasted Goober is a tumor after intensive cobalt treatment; a Healthy Goober is a dead tumor patient.
Bordeaux - bloodstained urine
Bottle return - removing a bottle lodged in the anal canal
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
Brown trout - a stool that won't float (as opposed to an air biscuit, which does)
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
Buff - re-hash the patient's story to make it sound more appropriate for the patient to be referred to another dept (see also turfing and bouncing)
Buff Up - to ready a patient for release
Bug Juice - antibiotics
Bugs in the rug - pubic lice
Bull in the ring - blockage in the large intestine
Bumps and Lumps - junior doctor (intern) cases
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bunnies - Sanitary Towels (sanitary napkins)
Burger - sunburned patient with ruptured blisters
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
Butchers - Obstetrics & Gynecology (also general derogatory term for surgeons)
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarian)
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
Cabbage - heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Cabbage and tomato ward - Ward for comatose patients
Calcified Penisitis Morbidium - male patient whose ailment is due to excessive or unprotected sex
Callbellectomy - minor operation, sadly not permitted, to remove over-used call bell from patient's hand/reach!
Call Button Jockey/Buzzer Junkie - patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason.
Caveman - Derogatory term for Orthopedic surgeons “so easy a caveman could do it”.
cc - Complaint Corner, a patient that complains about everything; BCC is one that behaves nicely to medical staff and complains behind their backs (from business acronyms for carbon copy and blind carbon copy)
CCFCCP - Coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs (dementia or similar)
Celestial discharge - died
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity i.e. obesity
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
CHAOS - Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
Chocolate Hostage - constipated
Cock Doc- urologist
Cockroach Factor - a patient's ability to survive trauma or serious treatment is inversely proportional to his contribution to society (see TTI).
Code Azure - message to other medics to do nothing extraordinary to save a very ill patient who will die shortly no matter what is done
Code Brown - fecal incontinence emergency (e.g. of bedlinen)
Code Pink (Triangle) - a likely homosexual (used back when HIV/Aids tests took a while to come back)
Code Yellow - urinary incontinence emergency
Coffee and a Newspaper - Patient is Constipated (i.e. long time sitting on toilet with drink and reading matter)
Coffin Dodger - survived against expectations, or a very old person
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranial rectosis - US: butthead (US term for idiot); UK: head-up-ass (arrogant/arrogant fool)
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - s**thead or s**t for brains
Creepers - geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Insertion or Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
Crinkly - geriatric
Crispy critter - severe burns case
CROACC - Cannot Rule Out Anything, Correlate Clinically
Crock - Hypochondriac.
CRS - Can’t Remember Sh*t
CRT - Can't Really Treat
Crumble (crumbly) - elderly patient
Crump - (UK) RTA [Road Traffic Accident], (US) crash; trying to die
Crump, Gork or Vedgy - Intensive care patient incapable of movement and apparently unaware of his surroundings.
CTD - Circling the Drain (Close To Death)
CTF - Cletus the Fetus (US). A 23 week, or earlier, births that parents expect to survive against all odds
Cuckoo - alternative term for CCU
C*nts and Runts - Maternity and Pediatrics
Cut and Paste - To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up (or almost immediately - sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while).
CYA - Cover Your Ass; unnecessary procedure/prescription done to avoid being sued
Death Camp - terminal nursing home
Death Star - that ward in every hospital where patients go to die
De-coke and Re-bore - Dilatation and curettage (gyne) op
Deep fry - cobalt therapy (radiation therapy)
Dement - Alzheimer patient
DENTIST - Doesn't Even Need Treatment - It's Sorted, Truly
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
Dermaholiday - nickname for dermatology dept used by staff in busier depts
Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
DIIK - Darned if I know
DILF - Doctor I'd Like to F*** (Fornicate with): Nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Discharged downstairs - transferred to the morgue
Dishwasher - sterilization machine
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs!
Donut of Death - CT scanner
DOTS- dead on the spot (of an accident), also FDOTS (F*cking Dead On The Spot)
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
DPS - (General Practice) Droopy Penis Syndrome: a patient wanting Viagra prescription
DPS - (Hospital) Disappearing Penis Syndrome: the usual reaction of the male organ in response to insertion of catheter or endoscope
Dr Feelgood - a doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs
DUB - Damn Ugly Baby
Duck - portable urinal for bedridden male hospital patients
Dump - patient that nobody seems to want (or to transfer a patient to another hospital); also a verb - arranging for patient to be off-loaded elsewhere
Dys-Synaptogenic - stupid
Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum
ELFs - Evil Little F*ckers (irritating children)
Ego Boost Units - med students/junior doctors that follow a doctor
EMS - Earn Money Sleeping (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Service)
Expensive care - intensive care
Expensive Scare - intensive care
FAC - F*cking Awkward Client
Fecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains who gets first authorship when the case is written up
FFF - see 4F (Fat, Fair, Female, Forty = gall bladder disease)
Fighting Darwin - patients refusing essential treatment through stubborness or stupidity
File 13 - The Trashcan
FINE - F*cked up , insecure, neurotic & emotional
Finger Wave - rectal exam
Flea - (US) internists, (UK) ethnic nurses (used in 1970s during an influx of imported healthcare staff) i.e. "they get everywhere"
FMPS - Fluff My Pillow Syndrome (attention/sympathy seeker), like Call Button Jockey
FODE - Falling On Deaf Ears
FOL, GOL, FOS - Fat Old Lady, Gone off Legs, Full Of S**t. Confused elderly female, unable to exercise at home, now unable to move unaided and badly constipated as a result (see also Toxic Confusional State).
Foreverectomy - A surgical procedure that lasts a very long time
FOS - Full Of Sh*t (either severely constipated or metaphorically)
Freud Squad - psychiatrists
Friday construction - Anatomical equivalent of the cars made on Fridays, when the workers mind was more on the weekend than the job in hand
Fruit Salad - group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves
FTF - Failed to Fly (botched suicide)
FUBIL - F**k You Buddy, I'm Leaving. The act of a doctor at a small hospital dumping a critically ill patient on larger hospital on Friday afternoon before he leaves for the weekend
Full Moon - full or overcrowded waiting room/A&E/ER
FUPA - Fat Upper Pussy Area
FURB - Funny, Unusual, Rectal Blockage (people who use inappropriate objects as butt-plugs)
Garden - neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Gardening - attending to patients in neurological intensive care.
Gassers OR Gas Passers - anaesthetists
Gatekeeper - General practice doctor whose role is to keep costs low by only allowing a certain number of patients to go to specialists
GDA - Gonna die anyway
Genital hurties - genital herpes
Ghost - Derogatory term for med students; they are largely invisible, are absent during difficult situations, silent when asked for volunteers and stealthily evade hard work
GOA - Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)
Goat Rodeo/Goat Rope - Emergency scene which goes badly (resembles a bunch of people riding or wrestling goats)
God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
GOK - God Only Knows
Goldbrick - patient who demands more attention than their (minor) condition warrants.
Golden ass - affluent mother who treats the obstetrics nurses like servants
Gomergram - Ordering all available tests because the person is unable to explain what is wrong with them
Gorillacillin - very powerful antibiotic
GORK - God Only Really Knows
Gork - comatose or brain dead
Gorked - unresponsive and nonverbal, either due to sedation or medical condition
Gorked Out - mental impairment through disease or substance abuse
Go to Meet Joe Black/Consult Joe Black - die
GPH - Goddamns Per Hour
GPO - Good for Parts Only (won't survive)
GRAFOB - Grim Reaper At Foot Of Bed
GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday aka the hospital granny-sitting service
Grapes - hemorrhoids
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning - jumped/fell from height
Gridiron Belly - scarred from multiple ops
GUCCI - Genito-Urinary Clinic, Chlamydial Infection (posh female with sexually transmitted chlamydial infection)
Guessing tubes - stethoscope
Gun and Rifle Club - Trauma ward full of gunshot and stabbing victims
Gutectomy - major gastro-intestinal surgery; also abdominal fat removal (such as liposuction)
Guts and Butts - general surgery
Hallucinoma - a mass seen on a scan or x-ray that wasn't really there
Happy feet - (US) patient having a grand mal epileptic seizure (in UK, Happy feet means smelly feet (feet which "hum" [stink])
Hasselhoff – emergency patient with bizarre explanation for their injury (David Hasselhoff's had a bizarre shaving accident in which he hit his head on a chandelier; the broken glass severed 4 tendons and an artery in his right arm)
Hearts and Farts - unit specialising in geriatrics and cardiology
Heel Elevation Ataxia - a woman who appears staggering drunk, but is sober (or slightly tipsy) and can't walk on seriously high stiletto heels
Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
High Serum Porcelain Level - Patient is a crock of sh*t
High Slug Titre - lazy patient (slug) that won't get out of bed
Hippo - Hypochondriac or depressive
Hit and Run - the act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement (often a non-medical appointment).
HIVI - Husband Is Village Idiot
HOPEFUL - Hard-up Old Person Expecting Full Useful Life (i.e. OAPs are not priority for most hospitals)
Hole-in-One - A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
HOP - house of pain (nursing home)
Hope'n'Scope - exploratory laparoscopy where you hope to find no disease (unless you're the student, in which case you hope to see something interesting)
Horrendoectomy - a long and painful procedures
I fell on it - (also Eiffel Syndrome) universal explanation given by a patient with a foreign object in the rectum
Incarcaphobia - patient is hypochondriac prisoner who prefers hospital to jail cell
Incarceritis - becoming dubiously ill when arrested or in court
Incidentaloma - a usually benign mass (needing removal) found on a scan while looking for something else entirely
Infernal Medicine - Internal Medicine department
Insurance Pain - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Intubate Junior/Intubate Willy - catheterise a man (often results in DPS - Disappearing Penis Syndrome)
Jack Bauer - a doctor still up and working after 24 hours (after character in "24")
Jailitis - becoming dubiously ill while in custody or in a jail cell
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - favourite, but unwritten, source of medical wisdom
J P FROG - Just Plain F***ing Ran Out Of Gas (old age etc)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)
Knife-happy - an overly enthusiastic surgeon
Lancelot - a medic who drains abscesses (called Pokemon in the USA)
Lantern Test - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
Last Flea To Jump Off A Dead Dog - Oncologists (sometimes other disciplines) who seem unable to let people die with dignity
Laying Crepe - dismal prognosis (i.e. prepare the coffin)
Leeches - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
Load the Boat - call in senior medical staff as ass-covering exercise
Lobster - sunburned patient
LRO - Luck Ran Out (cheated death before, but not this time)
LWS - (US) Low Wallet Syndrome (No medical insurance or money)
M & Ms - mortality and morbidity conferences where medics discuss epidemics, mistakes and patient deaths
MARPs - Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals
MGM syndrome - Faker putting on a real good show
Michelin's Disease/Disorder - multiple spare tires (obese)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
MILF - Mother I'd Like to F**k. US version of GoodLookingMother who is also PHAT
Mini me - Trainee or medical student who copies their senior colleague too much but doesn’t say a lot (from Austin Powers films)
MTF - Metabolize to Freedom (i.e., let the person sober up, and then they can leave)
MUH - Messed up heart
MU Pain - Made Up pain (especially for sick notes and insurance claims)
Mushroom syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them
NAD - Not actually done
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
Nebulopathy- strange clinical signs with no "normal" disease apparent
Necrophiles - derogatory term for Pathologists (they love the dead)
Nectar of the Gods - coffee; without which many hospital services would shut down
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds
Neuro-faecal Syndrome - s**t for brains
NFR - Not For Resuscitation; used on elderly patients’ charts where the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) instruction is without the knowledge of the patient themselves or their family
NGMI - Not Going to Make It
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No longer playing records (dying)
NOCTOR- Nurse that has done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
No Hopeamine - Dopamine
OB/GYN - actually means Obstetric/Gynecology, rumored to mean "Oh Boy-Got You Naked"
OBE - Open Both Ends (known in UK as DNV - Diarrhea and Vomiting)
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realize it's "placebo" in reverse)
OBS - Obvious bullsh*t
Obs and gobs - obstetrics and gynaecology
OFIG - One Foot In the Grave
OFIGATOOS - One Foot In the Grave And The Other One Slipping
Old Man's Friend - (US) pneumonia, an illness which often carried off the elderly
Oligoneuronal - "few brain cells" i.e. thick (not very bright) (Note: In the UK, "dumb" means "mute")
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
Optorectomy- operation to disconnect the eyeball from the anus, due to such a sh*tty outlook on life
Organ recital - a hypochondriac’s medical history
Osteocephaly - boneheaded
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away
Overpriced Carpenter - orthopedic doctor
Paint - Betadine (medication)
Paninvestigram - order all the tests; for when you haven't got a clue what's going on
Paperweight - (NZ) very small patient with severe congenital mental retardation
Papoterapia - (Brazil) to give the patient a pep talk, chitchat therapy ("papo" = chitchat).
Parentectomy - removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems
PBTB - "pine box to bedside"; indicates an imminent demise
PBS - Pretty bad shape
PBOO - Pine Box On Order
PD - Pencil D**k. General US insult. It gets applied to lazy doctors who pass work on to their peers and should not be confused for that other PD, Program Director (US terminology)
Pecker Checker - either a urologist or a sexual diseases doctor (also the ship's doctor in Naval slang)
Peek and Shriek - open a patient surgically, discover an incurable condition, and close the incision immediately
Pee Pee Docs - urology
Penal Colony - renal ward/dept, especially when a superbug is on the loose
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pest control - term applied to psychiatrists by casualty officers
Pharmaceutically Enhanced Personality - stoned or medicated
PHAT - Pretty Hot and Tempting (warning to others)
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PIA - Pain in the ass
PIAF - PIssed as a fart (also PAAF -Pissed As A Fart)
PITA - Pain in the ass
Plank Positive - stupid, as in "thick as 2 short planks"
Porcelain Level - fictitious blood test ordered to communicate to colleague that the patient is malingering (crock of sh*t)
PORG - Person Of Restricted/Retarded Growth (dwarf/midget)
Pox Docs - clap clinic (sexually transmitted disease clinic) doctors
Quackpractor - chiropractor
Qwertyitis - what a doctor suffers from when he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients
Rear Admiral - proctologist
Red dot - physicians from India, relates to red dot on their forehead
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Ringo – (after Beatles drummer Ringo Starr) an expendable team member
Rocket Room - a ward/unit where there are many deaths (many transfers to heaven)
Rocking horse stool - even rarer than hen's teeth
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance
Saddles - Maternity sanitary towels (napkins), so called for their size and the bow-legged effect of wearing them
Scratch and sniff - gynecological examination
Sellout - Derogatory term for plastic surgeon in private practice
SEP - Somebody else's problem (not to be confused with sepsis)
SFS - Stinky Foot Syndrome (often related to homeless)
Shotgunning - Ordering of a vast array of tests in the hopes that one or other of them will give an idea of what is wrong with a patient
Sieve - a doctor who admits almost every patient he sees
Slashers - general surgeons
Slow Code (to China) - elderly very ill patient who wants everything done so they will not die. Everyone on the medical team disagrees
Smellybridge - area between the anus and the back of the scrotum (perineum)
Speed bumps - hemorrhoids
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TMI - Three Meaningless Initials (e.g. John Smith, TMI - applied to medics with qualifications rather than ability)
Trigger Happy - a medic that gives a shot [injection] for everything or patient that used call button excessively.
TRO - Time ran out
TWA - third world assassins. Slang for the allegedly poor medical care delivered by physicians who went to medical school in foreign countries
Twitch - hypochondriac
VAC - Vultures are Circling (dying)
Vegetable garden - Coma ward
Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere
Weed Puller - Obstetrician
White Mice - tampons
Wig picker - therapist or psychologist
Witch doctor - specialist in internal medicine
WNL - Will Not Listen; patient won't take medical advice
WoGS - Wrath of God Syndrome (visited upon junior medics by more senior staff)
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
In hospitals, morbid humor, irreverence and euphemism is a way of coping with daily exposure to injury, disease and death. As euphemisms go, "Eternal Care Unit" (died) is little different from the myriad other euphemism for death. Nowadays, such slang is considered unethical and its use is decreasing in hospitals and surgeries because of the dangers of being sued by patients. However it is being preserved in the medical labs and staff tea rooms where patients do not go!